Time Flies

Its been 2 months and 7 days since I last saw you...

You probably wont feel what I feel..

Nothing changes though, you are amazing just the way you are :)

Dear John,

Its been ages since i came here..I thought i will never blog ever again but here I am..I bet everyone heard of the movie Dear John..Well, today im gona talk about John, a very good brother of mine :)
If you have been following my blog, you would notice i talked quite abit of John, my collegue..Well, hes more than just a collegue..hes a good friend, a brother who you know you can trust with all your secrets..Whats up with him? He is leaving us..:)

I only looked up to certain people all my life. First it was Johnma (my granduncle), then Ps. Eric ( my former youth pastor) and Goofy (my best friend with 4 legs) ..What is the similarities between all these people?? They are all wonderful people and they eventually left me for good..:) Now John is the one i really look up to..Im afraid I might just lose him as well,. All this while I never had a best friend cos I didnt wana feel what i felt when i had to give Goofy away when shifting.. I just couldnt take another separation from another close one..I had a distance with everyone i met from then on. That way, I didnt bother even if they left, not much at least...All that were until i met John..Never thought we will be so close in such a short period of time tho...I remember him teachng me stuffs when i first went to work.,We gradually became friends and then brothers..All those advises he gave, the way he thinks, the way he treats others..Hes a good guy laa,thats all i can say...a REALLY good guy :)..

I remember really connecting with him when he hugged me at SLC..He hugged me when I felt i didnt deserve anything at all..he hugged me when i felt nobody cared anymore..that made all the difference for me. Everything changed from then on...We worked together with the Youth team alongside Yasir and then we had Rick, another awesome dude who joined us. We were soo strong together but here,not even a year into what we planned..John is leaving, im not gona mention why..bt i would have done the same if I was in his shoes..to make things worse..Sunita, another girl who we are close with is leaving as well,.Rick is not sure about his position and only Sandy,Yasir and James is left...Suddenly i feel empty, it feels like all the ones im close with are leaving..

Every morning when i reach the office, the first thing i do is go to John's table and talk to him..Well, i've got about one month to find a new routine i guess..:) We used to work and play in the office bt with all these guys gone, i doubt anyone would wana play with me.. The only reason i have left to stay is the kids..I know its gona be tough, but I will have to take the baton from now..gotta run like i never did before,.I never cried over a friend leaving ever..well, John is more than a friend to me..He doesnt know anythng, so dont bother telling all this to him if you happen to read this :)..

Guess il have to move on, tho its easier said than done,.just the thought of coming to the office without John sitting there, popping his head up from the corner when we call him is hard enough..good people dont stay in one place do they..I secretly wish the month doesnt end..I secretly hope that this is not where it ends. I secretly hope i could rewind time and make sure everything was alright..Mybe its just me, good people cant stick around with bad ones can they :)...As much as i hate saying this, Im gona miss you John.. I just hope that you do well in whatever you do and continue doing good in other kids' lives :) If you are ever reading this, you are the best brother i ever had and ever will have.. I just hope we can still work together and change the nation..:) God Bless

The Lorry Driver's son

Its been ages since I last blogged and lets just say i got tired of blogging..haaha,.Now I'm back in the mood to blog so im gona blog about something I've soo long wanted to tell..:)

Life took another twist when I helped my dad with his work as I was basically doing nothing..xD Let me introduce my dad, he is not very old but he works preety hard for a man his age..A totally down to earth man and i am thankful that i have him as my dad..I always was and will be proud to have a dad like you..:)..My dad drives a 3 ton lorry and he delivers goods for Siemens..When I say goods, it means chemical products..

So, my first day at work..dad woke me up and told me to wear some bigg clothes which are not to be used anymore...I got dressed up (man,i looked funnyy) and followed him to Shah Alam to load the goods..There were about 24 colummns of chemical water the first day with each weighing up to 120 kg..Bloody heavyyy.!!!

Bt I had noo choice, helping my dad was more of a necessity at that point of time..After loading all the goods we had to leave to Melaka to unload...Travelling in the lorry was not like travelling in the car..there was no aircond,bumpy all the way and it was freaking hoottttttt...We unloaded all the stuffs and got back home..Preety tiring but it was just the first day,..The best part was it got harder everytime i went..

During this 1 month, my relationship with dad became stronger than ever..we used to talk, joke, argue and work together..All those things he told me whether it was about girls or life, everything made complete sense and sometimes i was like 'daddyy, you dont have to tell that'..xD..Well, you preety much will talk about anythng when your in the lorry with no music player for 3 hours..xD

There were a few things I learned during that period...Dad taught me the hard way of life and that everyone deserves the same amount of respect..from a manager to a cleaner perhaps, you got to respect them..Work was always dirty, especially when it rains. Noo complains were allowed and dad told me that when it comes to work you work...rain or shine,dirty or clean..One of a few important lessons il ever learn..And to lift up a 120 kg colummn is never near the word easy. Dad taught me to work as a team, to use all our strengths for the best of everyone..I put on extra weight when i was working with him and i was getting darker..bt I didnt bother cos when you have to work, you work..nothing else matters :)

I wouldnt say I loved my job but then sometimes you gotta do wat you've gotta do..I knew my dad couldnt do this work himself and he definately needs help. But dad being himself, rarely asks for any help..I see alot of guys from church and other places and I can bet they dont quite know hardship..They are veryyy much pampered..I dont envy them tho, I pity them actually..Dad always tells me..real men are not born real men..they are made into the men they become through hardship and pain..We were preety much well to do ouselves when we were at Klang but after moving to Kajang, things were never the same..I wouldn't blame anybody tho..I believe that God is teaching us something new..

I learned that during times of trouble like this, the family gets closer than ever and you may not be in the best shape financially...but deep inside, you got that sense of joy..you know that amidst of all the hardship, there is a sense of hope if we stick together..Thats why I love to tell that I have the best family aroundd..I definately couldnt ask for more..:)

And dad got a new job..a much easier one with much more salaryy..cant wait to take his new lorry for a spin..;)

a REAL hug..:)

I know the blog has been preety dead for soo long,.Well, im here to resurect it..xD

I just got back from DIODE School Leavers Camp the other day and i decided to write down about it..All this while I was going to this camp as a facilitator, well this time round i had a chance to feel what it is like to be a camper..:)

We met in PJ at the usual spot to leave to El Sanctuary,Melaka and there were roughly 21 campers involved..Sadly tho,only 4 were girls..:(,haha..I fit in easily cos i know all the facilitators and yea, i was the camp clown...againn..xD...First day passed and i was bored to death to be honest,.Im not the kind of person that can sit tru a session in the front row for many hours...thats just not me..So,the first thing i learnt being a camper was that we have to adapt and be disciplined no matter what happens..The next day i was late,.it showed then that discipline was never part of my life...I wanted to change that and i did it..it was not easy but heck,i did it..:D

The sessions were preety good and kudos to Eric,he kept me awake through out the sessions..xD Well,let me come straight to the point...I never learnt much in the sessions cos i've been tru it before. What i learnt this time was far special than what i learnt in my whole entire life..I learnt how to feel..When we had people who adviced us on career..uncle Vincent,the owner of El Sanctuary spoke to us. He told us that life is not about saving up your money soo much that you dont have time to even count them..Lifes more about sharing what you have with another. A successful life is when you use all your senses for the good of you and others..I personally loved this quote he gave us,' nowadays,people look but they dont really see...they hear but they dont really listen..they touch but they dont really feel'...I think that is really true and i promised myself i wont do that mistake and let life pass me by..

One other thing I learnt was that sadly, all my life...noo one really gave me a hug..when i say a hugg,i mean a REAL one..I normally do get hugged by people but it was noo big deal...it was 'just-another-hug'...Cross the line this time was tougher for me because i wanted to be honest..really brutally honest and when Sandy told us to write down the stuffs we wished we could go back and chnge I took time to really think of it and write it down..And when she asked us to throw it away and say,' I can be better than this' I said to myself im not gona do this...Cos there are alot of things i keep inside..alot of anger,hatred alot of stuffs that i blame myself for..That made me lose faith in me..All this while, i see myself as an average joe,a good for nothing person who is a dead weight to his family...i never thought i would make it in life and somethings happening around me affirmed it...On the outside,I was just acting, on the inside, bleeding..I made the stand in the end to tear the piece of paper and make my commitment.,when i said,' I can be better than this', i felt i was lying to myself and i was really angry, confused and i didnt know what to do..i left to the toilet and cried,..after a few minutes i got out and acted like nothing happend...its been years since i saw tears rolling from my eyes...i wiped my tears and came bck into the hall and Sandy told us to hug each other..I went around hugging everyone like i really meant it bt i never felt a connection until John came and hugged me..I dont know if you'll ever read this bt John,..i have alot of older guys who i consider brother here but instead of giving me a hug they give me a helmet, instead of an assurance i get a glass of whiskey...but what i got from you the other day,.the hug...i felt i was loved,i was accepted and that i had a big brother who really cared about how i felt...I couldnt help myself so i broke down,.i was trying soo hard not to cry bt i couldnt do anythng..that was the first REAL hug i ever got and it felt good..I knew the meaning of family that very moment,.and i said to myself everytime i hug someone..im gona give them a REAL hug...cos i know there are many out there that needs that hug, that assurance to continue living..

After that session, John told that after hugging someone he broke down aswell..I dont know who it is but when he said those words,tears rolled from my eyes again..i felt lighter and moree released,.and i got a bonus...another REAL hug from Sandy..:)..i dont know if they even know what these little things mean to me and that nite i knew where i belong..Leaderonomics is not just a company,its a family and im privileged to be part of it...I made a decision that day that no matter what i do i would always come back home to Leaderonomics and help them out in changing the world..

Another thing that was different this time was we ended up with only 3 people in my team..

Ginger had to leave and then Kevin Edwin left then unfortunately Patrick hd to leave as well..bt the remainder of us..me,Panda and Alvis stuck together and did everythng we could in DIODE nite and instead of giving up,we gave em a fight..:)

DIODE SLC 2010 is definately a life changing experience and for those who didnt come, i hate to say this...but its your lost..:)

im screwed...!!! for a reason

Im sick of being screwed up..no matter how much i argue that i am satisfied with my life being screwed up, deep within i know there is an empty void that always leave me wanting for more..im just sick of having this feeling, and i believe its high time for me to leave everything behind and start living the life God wants me to live...i know il miss all those things il leave behind, but if thats the thing He wnts me to do then fine...i think i got the answer to most of my questions, its jst that i dont wana accept it..i believe its time for me to stop arguing and trust Him with all my heart..:)

its funny how we sumtimes try to question God and think that He doesnt know what's best for us..its really funny cos when we think of it, He is GOD..He created everything perfectly..we dont have a better choice than to trust Him..I told you im blacklisted at church, my resolution for this year is to change that and serve the church with all i am..the church needs people like me to help out more screwed up people who needs to know the truth cos i believe that these screwed up people are the ones that are gona do great things in the future..one of the dude in church i really respect is leaving to pastor the church in Johor and after all those things he did to back us up, im not gona let him down...i believe its time, its my turn to take the baton and run..

I really cant believe im saying this, i remember serving in church when i was younger and after some problems i just got sick of serving..now, im willing to take that risk again..after all, i've got nothing to lose and i believe i have alotttttt to offer to the church in growing their ministry..some can say that im telling this bcos im really down and that im 'emo-ing'..i say yes, im sad that i didnt get what i've always wanted..bt think of it this way, God created me for a purpose in this world..im not gona make Him say that i wasted His time on me..

one thing is for sure, im willing to lose in order to serve Him..if i have to lose the ones i love, if i have to sacrifice my lifestyle..il do it,.its not gona be easy bt il give it a shot,.. i remember one wise man told me, when you do someone good, dont expect God to bless you for that deed..you do it with a sincere heart that even if God sends you to hell after you did that good deed you would not change what you did...thats the kinda life im planning to live...im not expecting anythng but im ready to lose it all...i knw im screwed and God has His reason for creating me like this..bt for now its payback time..:)

CHRISTMAS!!!!

This year's Christmas was like the best in many years..As usual, i had my santa hat on like every other year for 1 month wherever i went,.xD,.However, what was so special to me this year was that i bought gifts for ALL my loved ones,.*not all actualy*..x),..and yeappp,.Christmas shopping was funnnn..I went shopping alone all over Kajang and managed to buy some really good stuffs *i hope* for my parents, siblings and Sumita..The problem really was that i had no clue on what gifts to buy as i dont normally buy gifts for people..I therefore walked in shops and asked the salesperson for some idea on what to get as presents for them and finally i managed to sort that part out,.xD,.For the first time in my life, I can proudly say that every single ringgit I spent that nite or rather that few nytes were worth it..:),.I also had loads of ice creamssssss...:D

The sad part about Christmas to me this year was the Christmas carols,.As people say, some things are better left untouched...Im preety much annoyed at the remix version of carols that are just not-so-nice I would say..I didnt hear one good carol until Sumita called me to her church for Christmas party..It was funn,.the food were awesome, friendly people, and i kinda knew a few people there soo yea, i fit in well...The very presence of Sumita in the room was more than enough actualy,.;)..I didnt expect much though bt when the choir started singing the carols i went WHOOOAAA...xDD,.It was back like the ol'days..not much remix and the music was just Chirstmas.!!!and i was playing with the kids in church..*i love those kids, they're adorableee*..The sermon was good eventhough it was not Christmassy..I then drove home after the party and bought ice creams from MCD for evryone at home..We all ate togethr in the rainn..:D

My granma and aunt came by on Christmas eve and by that time, the Christmas tree at home was filled with presents already..I went to my dad's church to celebrate with him and later when we came back we were ready to open our presentss,.I found it amusing that i didnt get much this year..only one to be exact,..xD,.and that was from me sista,.*i noe you wont probably be reading this, but i love you and your the best sister in the world*..i didnt feel bad though cos wen the others opened their presents i felt satisfied..its that kinda feeling where we just feel happy cos they are happy...Its Christmas afterall,.its a season of giving.:D

We had service in the morning tat day and eventhough we sang Christmas carols at church, DULC's were better,..xDD..ps. i got alottt of gifts in church that dayyy...Hui Ming, Melissa, Joel, Adrian, Daniel, Katrine, Jess..thank you all soo muchh..:D,.and i got a gift from shortiee that Saturday wen i saw her...all in all,.it was Christmas..:)

Alott of people may be wondering,..where was Jesus in this year's Christmas??i say He was there as well, as He's always been...Happy Birthday Jesus...thank you for everything..:)